Watching the sun creep into the valley, changing night to day.

Why can’t I be one of those people who get productive when they have bad days? All I want to do is curl up in a ball and let the world go on without me. Physically, that is impossible. I have too many kids depending on me to shut down like that. But emotionally… When things get hard, I put myself on auto pilot, going through the motions and trying not to feel anything. I know it isn’t fair to my family not to be there 100%, but I don’t know how to do it better.

Last night, Deming had softball practice from 6 to 7:30. The kids have to be in bed at 8:30. I made dinner [swedish meatballs with buttered noodles, green salad and banana bread] before I left so that Mike could feed them . I had to find my mother in law, drive all over town and by the time I got home it was 8:20. When I talked to Mike on the phone he said he hadn’t fed them. My stomach sank. If he didn’t feed them, then he probably didn’t give them showers or check their homework. It may not seem like a big deal, but getting eight kids in bed at a decent hour, ready for the next day, takes a little time.

I stopped outside the house. Mikal, who was sitting next to me, asked what I was doing. “I’m getting my thoughts together so that I can be patient.” “Mom, that’s silly. You’re always patient.” “Then I’m composing myself so that I can be happy and positive while I’m being patient.” “OH! You just need to motivate your attitude.” “I guess so… That’s a good one Mikal Jade!” “Thanks. [pause] What does motivate mean?”

I need to get myself motivated. I need to stop worrying about what other people are [or aren’t] doing. Life isn’t going to stop so that I can take a break. Focus. Breathe. Smile. Relax.

Everything is going to be okay.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

When I feel like I’m about to go over the edge. Send some patience my way so I can get through what’s left of it with a smile. None to spare? I’ll take a comment, a joke, a picture, a link. Humor me.

• Bad Idea: Right after I took this he skated off the side. I caught him, but the skateboard took a nasty spill.

“Discrimination against the mentally ill makes my blood boil. I’ve been told many times to never, ever say those particular words to people because ‘it would freak them out. Wait until they get to know you and then tell them in a way that won’t make them feel uncomfortable.’ Needless to say, this does not help a person feel comfortable being themselves or helping them own their own uniqueness. It makes a person feel ashamed which can start patterns of self-destruction.”[more]

[Read more]

old pictures of me because I’m too disgusted with myself to take new ones right now

Doug posted a link to myRay, a free, online Computerized Cognitive Behavioral Therapy program.* He and his wife were amused and some of the advice/analysis seemed to fit. I figured I’d give it a try…

Your problems are making it very hard for you to cope.

I recommend that you do not participate in our programme. I strongly recommend that you speak with your family physician or a psychiatrist.

Ok. I’ve heard that one before. In fact, one of the first online depression indicators I tried years ago urged me, in very large red letters, to step away from the computer and CALL 911! But, is it really possible for me to always be depressed? Or are those ‘signs’ that indicate depression just my natural personality traits? Maybe I am just a crabby, negative person who hates the world. Or is it my lifestyle? Wouldn’t anyone be stressed with seven kids in the house? Four schools, multiple sports, his, mine, ours, exes. Not to mention a business that keeps my husband gone most of the time, a new addition to the family [Yes, the DNA came back positive… we now have ‘Boy Michael’ to add to ‘Big Michael’ and ‘Girl Mikal’. I was hoping we would get to see him this weekend, but all signs point to no.]

Seriously, sometimes I feel like my life is one bad day away from being a Jerry Springer show. I feel out of control and responsible for everything at the same time. All I want is to sleep, but I wake up tired. Before you even ask, NO I am not taking my meds. And YES I feel much better when I am taking them. And NO I have no good reason why I haven’t gotten them other than the pharmacy is 45 minutes away and I haven’t felt like driving down and back to pick them up.

I really should do that tomorrow.

One more thing, I’ve been having this recurring dream nightmare that I’m pregnant again and Mike doesn’t believe it is his because I had my tubes tied. I get so frustrated trying to explain to him that his plumbing still works and that I was the one that got fixed. He ends up leaving me and at the end of the dream, I have the baby alone. Except that sometimes it is a baby and sometimes it is a jack-in-the-box.

*Take the test here.

left, cameraphone; right, digital

“A pessimist only sees the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides and shrugs; an optimist doesn’t see the clouds at all—he’s walking on them.” Leonard L. Levinson

“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.” Buddha

Why do I make everything so hard? Why can’t I just be happy? Why do I feel  alone when I’m surrounded by people who love me? When will I learn to laugh at the sky?